What if you just said “No”?

On May 29, 2012May 28, 2012 By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace Navigator6 Comments

I’m not sure why, but I have been the trigger person for most of my career. The gunslinger brought in to say, No. Human Resource professionals are frequently referred to as The Fashion Police (that skirt is too short), The Personal Hygiene Moderator (deodorant is a necessity), Policy Patrol (insubordination IS grounds for termination) and, worst of all, the b-word. So why can’t everyone else draw a line in the sand? I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve asked myself that. They are in avoidance

It’s so much easier to bring someone else in to say No. You can stay at arm’s length, point the finger and, in essence, say, “This wasn’t my decision”. Let someone else be the trigger person and stay clear of the wake.

Try taking a giant step forward and say No. Here are the reasons why you should:

1. Respect. People pay attention to those who pull the trigger once in a while. You earn the reputation for being someone who has a backbone and stands up for their principles. People want you on their team when they know you can be counted on to make the tough decisions even if they are unpopular.

2. Honest. We’ve all known people who are brown-noses. How many corporate projects have you been party to that went in the wrong direction because no one in the crowd wanted to say No. Earning the reputation for being candid takes a few No sayings. I’m not advocating just blurting out No but a well-polished, properly crafted No will increase your authenticity.

3. Less Bunkum. I had to look up that one up in the thesaurus to keep this polite. When you get the promotional phone calls for a vacation getaway; don’t hang up. Say No and take my number off your list. Disingenuous people stay away from No sayers. They move on to fawn over someone else who doesn’t mind swimming in bunkum.

4. Relief. Unresolved conflict can fester. Be the one to step forward and make the decision. Do you really want to be up at 3 AM worrying about how you tell the PTA that you want off the committee? When you have given that well-crafted No; you’ll be sleeping like a baby.

5. Empowerment. Saying No is gratifying. You can look yourself in the mirror and know that you stood up for something; you stood up for your beliefs. It might have been difficult (it almost always is uncomfortable…messy even) but once you get past the No, your self confidence will be rebooted.

6. Culture. No one likes co-workers who get away with clocking in late, not pulling their weight, constantly stepping over the line that no one else would dare to cross. That crowd; the group at large. They are rooting for you. They want you to pull the trigger. Be the gunslinger for the 95% who are pulling their weight. Raise the tide for the culture of your company.

It’s not easy. But you need to do it. Be the go-to gunslinger. Everyone is waiting for you to be a No sayer. Draw a line in the sand.

Unresolved Conflict: The Elephant in the Room

On May 22, 2012May 21, 2012 By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace Navigator6 Comments

As a restaurant owner and Human Resource professional over the past 20 plus years, I’ve seen plenty of unresolved workplace conflict. It’s like the kitchen garbage can with rotting shrimp shells in the bottom; everyone smells it but no one wants to deal with it. So we let it fester and things fester.

Blood pressure rises, people start avoiding each other, less eye contact; our mind goes wild with what we figure the other person is thinking. We think we know their true motivation as the paranoia mounts.

There were countless times I was brought in to end the avoidance….to get to the bottom of the smelly mess. So how do you handle the conflict? Here are some tried and true maneuvers:

1. Timing is everything. Don’t talk to someone when they just get back from vacation and are buried in email and return phone calls. Give them a day or two to dig out and take a temperature check. Read their body language. A little tension in the shoulders…using short curt sentences….relax and wait. Sense of humor is back? Just got a great sales report? This might be your opening.

2. Privacy. This cannot be emphasized enough. Don’t bring up the smelly issue in front of or within ear shot of any other human being. Never. Ever. Their listening skills will be out to lunch and their blood pressure will shoot up. No one likes to be embarrassed and if there is even the slightest chance that UPS delivery guy might walk by; relax and wait.

3. Facts. Research your smelly issue thoroughly. No hunches. No assumptions. No jumping to conclusions. Do your best reconnaissance…you watch CSI…investigate. This is especially true in the “he said, she said, they said and we said” type of smelly issue. Find any and all witnesses and alleged witnesses (can’t tell you how many times in a harassment investigation that the “alleged witness” wasn’t even at work that day). Don’t go at fact finding to just make sure you are“right”.

4. Suspend Assumptions. This goes closely with #3 but it’s imperative that you don’t decide the other person’s motivation; their ulterior motives. You’ll have them being one step below Bernie Madoff if you’re not careful. Empty your head of all your negative stereo types….like “Joe is always out for himself” or “Suzy is out to get me”….really? You know all that? As Byron Katie says at her website “the work”…”Is it true? Can you absolutely know that it’s true?” Turn off mister ego and shut down your assumption machine.

5. Craft. Think it through. How are you going to broach the subject? Maybe test the waters with another agenda item that isn’t confrontational like “I want to thank you for your help on the turnover report. It really saved me some time and I got a chance to work on a more pressing project”. A sincere, specific compliment is a nice lead in. I can hear you nay-sayers out there…but I can’t think of anything nice to say. Revisit #4. Phrase the issue in terms of the other person’s viewpoint. What is a reasonable explanation for their egregious act? Give them an out like, “I’m sure you didn’t realize that when I was excluded from the finance team, I felt like you didn’t trust me”, or “I don’t think you are aware but when you told Suzy about the layoff plan, she assumed her job was in jeopardy”. Think it through and craft the one or two sentences (no more) to summarize and present the smelly issue at hand (stay away from Never, Always and Should).

6. Love. What are you crazy? Love my co-worker, boss, workplace nemesis? I don’t know why it works but if you decide you love someone, even your worst enemy ,the whole thing just works better. Maybe it’s ch’i, but mentally embracing the other person (do not do this literally…for obvious reasons) helps you to be open to the possibilities; love your enemy. Bob may never include you on the email with the financial reports but if you love him, it dampens down the resentment and blasts open the possibility of resolution. This also helps with #4.

7. Do it. When you have completed the preceding steps; just do it. Have the conversation. Stay open minded and believe in a positive outcome. Sometimes, OK a lot of times, it’s a complete surprise to the other person. But it’s amazing how often people tip toe around an issue, especially a smelly one, and the offending person, had no idea that they angered you or that several people were avoiding them. Most of the time people don’t realize how they are perceived and want to do their best. Nine times out of ten, they apologize. Give them the chance.

This might be messy the first, second or third time around. But this is going to build trust in the long run. You will be the Go-To person for conflict resolution and honest constructive feedback. Slay the elephant.

Let me know what you think. What workplace conflict are you dealing with?

Advice-Giving…the Ultimate Buzz Kill

On May 15, 2012 By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace Navigator4 Comments

I think we all know this. Unconsciously. We’ve told our spouse how to load the dishwasher, our assistant how to set up the report, or told our teenage son how to drive a car. And then there is the eye roll….the exasperated sigh. Once you start giving the how – all engines shut down. Buzz. Kill.

If you think about it – where is the engagement, the decision making, the buy in; the flow in someone else telling you how? Dr. Srinivasan Pillay explains this in his book, Your Brain and Business. According to Dr. Pillay, “brain imaging shows that when advice is given, it ‘offloads’ the value of the decision options from the listener’s brain, so that there are no correlations between brain activation and attributed value when advice is given, as compared to when it is not given…that is, advice turns the brain of the listener ‘off.'”

Whoa. I need to rethink my next road trip with my 16 year old at the wheel. So if I tell him to “put both hands on the wheel” or “slow down”…this is shutting his brain down. Not a good thing.

I am the same way. I’ve had a coach tell me what goal I was working on for the next two weeks. I felt myself slide back on my heels…and I didn’t lift a finger towards the goal–not a finger.

OK. So how do I stop giving unwanted, unsolicited, mind-shutting-down advice?

These are the FOUR Not so Easy Steps:

1. Listen. This always the first step. Your spouse may just be venting about the frustrations of the day. They could really just want some understanding, or a comforting smile and nod, instead of you jumping in with a 25 step guide on how to fix their problem.

2. Ask. Use open-ended questions like “what do you want to do?” or “what options do you have?” Having the listener give you their ideas creates buy in and helps them brainstorm their own options. Guess which idea will have the most weight…yup…their idea.

3. Don’t Judge. Unless they are asking for feedback , don’t jump in and start giving them all your wisdom. If they ask for the feedback, give it constructively and sparingly.

4. Brainstorm. If it’s going nowhere and the listener can’t seem to decide or is requesting your wisdom…ask for permission to brainstorm. In brainstorming, there is no “how” or “wrong answer”…just throw out some off the wall ideas and see if the listener can glean their own answer or muddle their own idea from piecing together different ideas. Making them their own. Don’t take the lead. Or there will be no buy in, no finger lifting.

Doesn’t this make you wonder why “Dear Abby” was so popular for so many years? Did anyone ever really take her advice? Was the column there just for all of us armchair advice givers to live vicariously through Abby?

So help me out, what am I supposed to do with the 16 year old barreling down the road at 65 miles an hour ? How do I get through to him? I am asking for advice here. Really. Leave a comment. Some advice.

What my dog has taught me about leading others or….The Pink Jacket Story

On May 8, 2012May 8, 2012 By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace Navigator14 Comments

Dogs are amazing at reflecting back what humans’ desire. Most of us treat our pets like they are part of the family but I think my dog, Baci, thinks that she is an employee and a damn good one. My relationship with her has taught me as much as any off site training or college course. Our relationship is simple and can guide you in your relationships at work.

1. Trust. Baci expects her meals to be timely and fair. She’s the first one to speak up if the kibbles are late to the bowl. My employees and customers expect the same when it comes to compensation, goods or services….better be on time and accurate or there will be attrition.

2. Appreciation. There isn’t a dog who doesn’t demand their belly scratched once, twice, countless times a day. Your coworkers, boss or client wants the same “scratch” but I doubt they are up front about asking for it. Show them appreciation….more frequently than they expect.

3. Dutiful. Baci has very clear duties at the Graham House….keep it free of all squirrels, geese and lizards. She does an outstanding job. I am confident that she is on duty no matter what. We haven’t had squirrels take up residence…so I know she is on top of her game. You should have the same confidence in those who surround you at work. It’s best to assume they have your best interest at heart. That they are looking out for you…if some squirrels move in…then clarify what your expectations are.

4. Perspective. Baci has a different lens. She views things from ground level. I might be cutting up raw beef on the kitchen counter or potting a plant. She doesn’t care except for whatever falls on the floor…and hopefully it’s the former. Your clients, cohorts and boss all have a different perspective and some are from the penthouse and others are in the basement. Make sure you know their perspective if you end up dropping something or having the last word.

5. Attention. I admit that I lose sight of Baci’s priorities when I’m in my office concentrating on work. Sometimes I get up from my desk to find her sprawled at my feet and surrounded by her army of toys. She has carefully brought each toy as a gift while I wasn’t paying attention. Are your direct reports doing the same? Showing up early, staying late…working extra hours on that overdo project…are you paying attention?

6. Needs. Baci is exasperating at times. She can’t decide if she wants in or out…to sit on my lap or my husband’s….upstairs or down. Are your clients fickle and difficult to figure out? Are they changing their minds and causing you frustration. They are taking the cue from your guidelines and how malleable you are (I give in more easily than my husband on letting Baci in or out). Are you meeting your clients’ needs or tuning them out?

7. Team player. I love to dress up Baci. And she is happy to oblige (ok…I’m not sure she’s happy). Whether it’s some Halloween monstrosity or a pink rain jacket that I happen to think is cute; she patiently shows up to be the team player; poses for pictures and moves on. I bet there are things your co-workers put up with…just cause you think it’s cute…or critical. Are you letting them put on that pink rain jacket once in a while?

Animals teach us humility, patience and appreciation. Maybe it’s time we apply those lessons to the human race.

What role does your pet play in your home?

My boss doesn’t listen to me…what now?

On April 22, 2012April 22, 2012 By Cathy NoiceIn Workplace Navigator5 Comments

You probably consider yourself an excellent employee, student, contributor but there may be one area you’ve overlooked.

Listening is an art that starts with you. It’s ironic but actually true…be a good listener first and they will follow. I know this feels counter intuitive but if you ….yourself….just shut up and listen…I mean really listen… you will end up with followers. Lead by example. They’ll actually listen to you at some point.

We’ve all worked with the someone who constantly interrupts, who has to have the last word, who just can’t let a topic or, worse, an argument go. Don’t be that person. Be the listener.

Here are the 6 steps to being a better, active listener:

1. Seek first to understand. If you focus on understanding (instead of your rebuttal), you will be much more engaged with what your boss is saying.

2. Don’t drift. If you are thinking about your grocery list or if you forgot to record Modern Family; you.are.not.engaged.in.listening.

3. Let there be silence. It’s amazing how we all feel obligated to fill the space up with the sound of our voice. Let there be an awkward silence. There is power in silence and more importantly time to reflect and understand (refer to #1).

4. Reflect back. Ask questions to expound on your boss’ ideas. Seek clarity. Is there something you don’t understand? Do you really understand the rationale?

5. Check assumptions. It is amazing how quickly our mind works and how our internal dialogue will immediately jump to the worst case scenario. Like “yeah…this idea will never work. Last time we did this it was an epic fail”…meanwhile we are smiling and nodding. Check your assumptions to stop your internal dialogue from running its mouth; and killing the idea before it ever gets launched.

6. Don’t interrupt. If you are interrupting, you are not listening. You just put your agenda first. You just shut the other person down and basically said…”my idea is way better than yours so shut up”.

Full disclosure. I’ve been working on this for years and it’s not easy. It won’t happen overnight but if you keep this at the forefront with every interaction you have, you will improve and others, including your boss, will start to follow.

Do you have tips for better active listening? I’d love to hear what you have to say….leave a comment (and make sure you share).