It’s not my only line in the play

I heard this quote at a conference in October. It really put things into perspective. We have a lot more shots at a goal than we imagine. I think back to grade school theatrical productions and not wanting to flub the one line I was given. But in reality, we have a ton of lines. For that matter, a ton of plays in life. I can get wrapped up in perfection in the job interview, or the presentation to the board, or the first date. It’s freeing to realize there are a lot of opportunities in life and it’s grand to not get wrapped up in the perfection of your next line in the play.

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I can relive conflicts in my life where I have an epiphany about what I should have said. The perfect comeback. The perfect redress. The perfect reparation. Finally putting someone in their place, and yet, the opportunity is long past. I can live in a loop in my head about how I should have played the situation differently. It takes energy. It zaps me. It’s completely unproductive. It was only one line.

So here are some ideas on how to move on to the next line in the play:

Piece it out

I facilitate a bunch of different trainings. They can range from Ethics, Sexual Harassment, or Human Resource Certification. Sometimes I present about CRR Global’ s “Lands Work”, Gallup’s Strengthsfinder, or Leadership Retreats. The thing is, when I first started facilitating, I would get completely caught up in the three upcoming events I had scheduled. I’d be worried about the one in three weeks when I was prepping for the one tomorrow. I would be overwhelmed and not sleep well. The secret is to focus on the next project. The next training. The next coaching client. By piecing it out to one project or event or client at a time, I can focus, be calm and better prepared. Focus on the next line in the play.

It’s about them

Delivering a line or a song or a presentation is all about the audience. Moving off of my own ego and onto the group in front of me is lifting an enormous burden off my shoulders. It’s not worrying about if I look fat in this outfit or if I can get a laugh out of the room. It’s delivering one piece that helps someone in their day. When you focus on them, it becomes a service. It makes it easier. I know that can seem like a lot of pressure but if I go into a room of two hundred people wanting to impress them all, it’s overwhelming and sure to fail. If I go into that same room with the intention to impact just one person’s life, it’s much easier. If it helps more than one person, terrific. If everyone gets it and loves the presentation? Even better. But the goal remains all about them.

$hitty first draft

Practically everything I facilitate, coach, or write is a first draft. I try not to overthink things. Granted, I have an editor for my blog, but the rest of what I deliver is on the fly. It’s in the moment. I’ve said some dumb things; I’ve said some witty things; I’ve said things I want to completely forget about (and usually don’t). Aren’t most conversations in life just $hitty first drafts anyway? Let go of perfection and be in the moment. If you mess up this line, there is another line coming up.

Be present in the moment

I’ve spent a lot of time rushing ahead. Planning. Mapping things out. I can be exhausting to be around. I can also spend a lot of time dwelling on the past. The Monday morning quarterbacking type stuff that is just as debilitating. The important thing is this moment right now. I facilitated a new group a few weeks back. I had never worked for this organization before. There were a bunch of unknowns: the audio visual; wall space for flip-charts; seating arrangements for the table. That’s all just flotsam. The real object is being present for the people in that room. It’s being present to tease out the wisdom in the room. It’s letting other folks shine their light for everyone else to benefit. If I’m more worried about the perfect room set up and refreshments, I’m not present for those in the room. So maybe you have to adjust the line in the play to fit the group in the room. Be present so you know it.

Be silent

It’s OK to be quiet. Not everything has to be filled with words. Time for folks to reflect is super important. Time for you to reflect is important as well. I think back to my first date with Roy. There was plenty of silence. I was OK with not filling every moment with language. I remember becoming certified to deliver a Myer’s Briggs facilitation. The instructor told us to wait 20 seconds after asking the group a question. Count out twenty seconds in your head.  Go ahead.                It’s an eternity, right? It’s an adjustment to be OK with silence. You don’t need to have language filling the air at all times. Give everyone time and space to reflect and digest. Some of the most profound moments in a play are when it is silent. Think back to all the pregnant pauses in a Hitchcock film. Rear Window would not be as griping without the silence. Silence can be powerful.

At the heart of all of this is just being authentic and present for as much as you can. Give up the need to know how it’s all going to end up. Every play is going to be different. Every line you deliver will have a different impact. What’s your next line in the play?

Being Present

It’s easy to run through your day just skimming the surface. I’d bet you were on auto pilot on your last drive to work or home. You don’t remember that annoying person driving too slow in front of you or that family riding their bikes. It’s easy to blame technology and its incessant dopamine hits calling your attention back to social media and email notifications, so you can acknowledge that jerk at work or that annoying comment from a coworker on your Instagram post. We get wrapped up in our heads instead of actually being present.

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Kayaking on Lake Puiray

There is the novelty of travel and trying to get to the next spot to take the iconic picture. To check another item off the bucket list. To rush and hurry and strive and push onto the next thing. As you even read this, I wonder if you’re simply skimming this sentence (as I tend to do) and rush onto the bullets to see what you might glean (quickly) from this post.

Here are the benefits of being present:

Unexpected. One of the most beautiful moments I had on my trip to Peru a few months back was on Lake Piuray. I knew the plan was to kayak somewhere but besides that, I didn’t know much else. Well, it ended up being a highlight of the trip. We launched from a beach on a spectacular lake near Chinchero, Peru. Outside of a few farms and glacial mountains surrounding the lake, it was mostly uninhabited. The cranes, ibises, and ducks flew by and a clear blue sky bathed us in sunshine. We paddled peacefully near the reeds by the bank. I remember thinking to take it all in for just two beats longer. This is what life is all about; this hour or so of beauty, peace and tranquility. It may have been unexpected, but it was a gift I wouldn’t soon forget.

Ordinary. I have taken a short one mile walk in my neighborhood probably a thousand times. I usually have a set of earbuds in and am listening to music, an audiobook, or a podcast. I rarely “pay attention” to my surroundings. When I first did this walk (and almost every subsequent one) with my boyfriend Roy, he would stop dead in his tracks to watch the Purple Martins flying. I had never noticed them. Or their nest. Or the Ospreys. Or the Swifts. Now I do. I try not to skim through my day but rather observe the ordinary that I was oblivious to before. Be present to the ordinary.

Stop. I typically rush through my day. I try and check off all that I want to accomplish. Outside of meditating every morning, the rest of my day can seem like a long list of duties and appointments that I am checking off. A few weeks ago, I was hiking a trail next to the Eno River with Roy. He, of course, stopped next to the river for a few moments. He called me over. I stopped and looked as he pointed out the small crappies swimming in the river below the surface, only visible with polarized sunglasses. My typical behavior would be to move on forward down the trail and not stop. It’s in those moments of stopping that magic is revealed. The tiny fish were swimming as Roy threw in a piece of bark that they immediately swam for. Stop and enjoy the moment.

The feels. This has been a revelation over my past year of sobriety. When I stopped numbing out with food and alcohol, I actually felt things. I know that sounds crazy. It wasn’t like I didn’t have feelings before I quit numbing out, but when I was actually present for the feelings, I actually experienced them. I believe that there is an all or nothing view of feelings. Either we are raging with anger or stoically passing through drama unaffected (typically with a little help of some vice of choice). So, cry when you need to; it’s good for you anyway. Feel deceit, anger, regret, or resentment. Feel the feels. It makes you really present in your experience.

Meditation. I’m not sure how long I have been meditating (I’m guessing ten years) but it’s been over a year since I started practicing Sudarshan Kriya from the Art of Living. I will not pretend that I don’t have thoughts or extraneous worries as I meditate for twenty minutes in the morning. Stuff crops up. But it’s OK. This is not about turning off your thoughts. It’s about focusing on the breath and letting thoughts go as they crop up. It’s not about perfection. It makes me present, out of my head, and back into my body.

Whether today is a run of the mill day with a long list of to-dos, or you are on your dream vacation, don’t rush through: take a breath and feel the moment. Be here now. In this moment, regardless…Be Here Now. Each moment has its magic. Are you ready to be present?

5 Tenets of the Happiness Program

It’s been a really rough 9 months. Suffice it to say, I am in the dead center of incredible uncertainty and change. Maybe you are coping with something similar and it’s difficult not to just get stuck and wallow in the misery. Like being sucked in by quicksand. Pick your poison: joblessness, addiction, abandonment, illness, loss. It.Can.Seem.Insurmountable. As I vacillated between vindictiveness, paranoia and helplessness, I decided to look for something to center me. I found a meet up group called “Secrets of the Breath and Happiness.” It was a 75-minute drive, but it was free and on a Sunday.

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I signed up and now it has opened a door of enlightenment and profoundly changed my state of mind.

It wasn’t just the one class. The one-hour class taught me how to clear my head. A head that has been a twirling mess of rehearsing vitriolic arguments and should-ing myself into helplessness. I finally had a mind that was at rest, even if it was for just 5 minutes. I was hooked. At the end of class, they mentioned The Happiness Program, which was going to start in about a week and a half. I noodled it over and decided that, for my own sanity, I needed to sign up. Thank goodness I did.

The heart of the program is learning a meditation with very prescribed breathing techniques and timing. I can’t describe it here and I’m not qualified to teach it but I can give you five of the tenets from the program, which are based on the teachings of Sri Sri Ravi Shankar and are taught worldwide at The Art of Living

Five of Sri Sri’s important things to always remember:

  • Present moment is inevitable.  Seems obvious but how much of your time do you spend anticipating or dreading the future? Or rehashing and reliving the past? It’s like you are carrying along a huge burden and blocking your ability to be present in this moment right now. Instead of listening to the birds chirping or tasting your chicken salad, you start planning your next vacation or your grocery list. Appreciate the moment. Be in the moment. It is inevitable.

 

  • Live in the present. How much of your time do you spend staring at a screen or device to escape the present moment or (God forbid) be bored? Be here right now. Screen time has become, in my opinion, the new smoking. I can remember going to the movies when I lived in New York City and standing in line. At the time, I was a smoker, so my first instinct when I was bored was to light up a cigarette (back when you could smoke anywhere and be able to afford a pack of cigarettes). Walk into any restaurant or bar and everyone is engaged with their device, instead of the people that surround them. Live now.

 

  • Do your 100%.  I think about this a lot when I do my daily meditation that I learned in The Happiness Program. I remember our teacher Ravi saying, “Are you giving 100%?” I think about that when I start to get sloppy with the practice. I think about the Gallup statistics that only about 35% of employees are actively engaged at work. So they are giving 100% when they show up for work. But what about the others? Think about how much better everything would be if we all gave 100%. Do your 100%.

 

  • Don’t see intentions in other people’s mistakes.  Boy did this hit home. This was the basis of all my paranoia. I also think about Brene Browns assertion: “What if they are just doing their best?” It helps me keep a compassionate space for those who have injured me or not. I can remember trying to hit a baseball as a kid. I swung and swung and swung. I never hit a ball. Ever. I was not trying to miss the ball. I had every intention of hitting it. I was trying my best. So is everyone else.

 

  • Opposite values are complimentary – every hardship makes you a better and stronger person.  This seems counter-intuitive. If you think about it, every struggle has a gift. It’s teaching you something. In my case, I know a lot more about electrical, plumbing and flooring than I ever did before my home was flooded. Heck, I know a lot about FEMA, SBA, insurance and mortgages. I also know that I am so much more resilient and wiser than I had been giving myself credit for. I also have a lot more support than I ever realized and it’s OK to ask for help. It’s a four letter word but there are so many generous people out there. It’s all here to teach us something.

 

I highly recommend the course. I am now into my 14th day of using the meditation and I am feeling more optimistic, more equilibrium and, slowly but surely, letting go of my resentment and anger towards others. Which of these resonates for you?

Stick to Your Path

You’re jealous because your coworker just got a new red sports car and your car is a beat up 90’s Honda. You’re upset because you weren’t selected for the super duper high profile project but your arch nemesis from work did. Your ex is posting cozy pictures of her new boyfriend all over social media and you’re home alone on a House of Cards binge. You feel inadequate. You feel sorry for yourself. You are on the comparison Highway to Inadequacy. You need to get off that highway and focus on your own path.

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I’m a speaker. An executive coach. A mother. A dog owner. An author. I don’t get paid what Tony Robbins gets paid to speak. I don’t have the same client list as Marshall Goldsmith. My kids (are awesome) but they aren’t on the cover of Time magazine or on a Wheaties box (yet). My dog hasn’t won any Westminster Dog Shows. I haven’t written a single book and, therefore, never sold one (although there is a free copy here). The point is, how high is that bar for you? If I compared myself to everyone around me on all aspects of my life, I would be sorely disappointed. Stick to your path and quit looking at everyone else’s.

Here are some ways to do that:

  • Acceptance.  Be Ok with the path that is in front of you. I was stuck in a should cycle for the last nine months on decisions regarding the rebuilding of my house post-Hurricane Matthew. I should have purchased all new cabinets. I should have bought new kitchen furniture. I should have gone with a different electrician. This is wearing you down. All that “should-ing“. Accept what decisions you have made and move forward. All that should-ing is making you dwell on the past and draining you.

 

  • Different.  I love this quote from Internal Acceptance Movement: “Everyone has their own unique journey. A path that’s right for someone else won’t necessarily be a path that’s right for you. Your path isn’t right or wrong, or good or bad. It’s just different.” What I try to do, say when I see that new red sports car in the company parking lot, is tell myself: “Wow. Suzy really likes cars. Good for her.” Everyone values different things, be it material possessions or experiences. I love to travel and maybe my son doesn’t. We are on different paths and that’s OK.

 

  • Pace.  This is my biggest problem. I am always in forward motion. I want to accomplish the next thing. I want it done yesterday. This makes me incredibly impatient with other folks who operate on a different pace (i.e.: slower). It doesn’t bring out my best side. As I tap my fingers, waiting for a response to ten rapid fire texts to my assistant. Take a breath and connect with your inner Buddha. Acknowledge your pace and quit trying to have people get on board with your pace. That’s how people start to stumble. Stay in lane and keep your own pace and don’t worry about anyone else’s.

 

  • Suspend.  I know you’ve done this. You see that your coworker has put on weight or is wearing something that, from your vantage point, is unattractive. You pass judgment in your head. “Wow. Janet needs to drop a few pounds” or “What made her think that looked good on her?” It’s difficult to suspend judgment but you can label it. Say instead, “So Cathy, this is what judgment looks like.” Step away from the comparing paths and label it.

 

  • Present.  Be in this moment right now. And now. And now. Don’t try and recreate history. No, your ex is not coming back and that’s OK right now. Trust that the path you are on is just fine and it’s taking you in the right direction. Don’t “catastrophicize” the future. Sometimes paths cross and it’s lovely, and there are wonderful memories made, and then they uncross. There will be new paths to cross in the future. As you walk your path, be present.

 

You may not end up where you intended to go but you will be off of the Highway of Inadequacy. Trust you are exactly where you need to be. Trust that you are enough. You are enough.

Take a photo, it will last longer. Apparently, it won’t.

I’ve read a few articles recently that dispute the theory that taking a photo will make the memory last forever. I can hear my children applauding this finding and, from this point forward, will never ever let me snap another group, holiday, vacation photo again. Ever. It’s disheartening. I first read about this in The Rotarian in an article by Frank Bures called “Photographic Memory”. He was reflecting on a trip to Hong Kong and being atop a mountain called the Peak. He sat there for hours enjoying the experience and watched throngs of tourist come up and snap several pictures, delete the worst and then move on, never taking a moment to take in the view. Never appreciating the experience. The photo was just one of a myriad that documented their trip but they never stopped to take it in.Take a picture it will last longer.

I remember being asked to video tape one of my college roommate’s wedding. When we got to the reception after the wedding, I was videotaping all of my old college friends dancing on the dance floor and an old friend said “are you just going to watch or are you going to experience it?” I put the camera down and joined in on the old Animal House hit by the Isley Brothers “Shout”. I will never forget that moment. It took me back to my Junior year of college. I got out from behind the camera and experienced the moment. Alas, there is no video of me singing “a little bit softer now” but I have it tucked away in my gray matter forever.

So what should you do? Dump your camera app from your phone? Nah. Nothing that rash. But here are some ideas on how to be more present and less dependent on your phone to capture the moment:

1. Cut. Cut back on the amount of photos you are taking. If it’s not your wedding or 75th birthday, one or two will do. There was a time when I took a picture of each present my children opened on Christmas morning (boring!). This year, I took one photo of my parents with Santa hats on. It’s a great picture and, as my Dad turns 90 this year, who knows how many more opportunities there will be. My children were both home for about three weeks over Christmas this year (a very rare occasion). I am proud to say I only took three pictures. Or should I say I was only permitted to take three pictures. Cut back on the volume of pictures you are taking.

2. Accept. Be open to accepting the experience. Bures in his article quotes Susan Sontag, “Travel become a strategy for accumulating photographs. A way of certifying experience, taking photographs is also a way of refusing it.” I experienced this when I went to San Francisco last year and traveled to Battery Spencer at the Marin Headlands to see the Golden Gate Bridge. There were groups of tourists walking out to the overlook to take a picture and then head back. There were those who sat and accepted the experience. It was a magnificent view. The pacific wind was blowing, the sun was lowering in the west and I remember hearing at least 5 different languages from the crowd milling about. Accept the experience.

3. Observe. Take a moment to observe. Bures cites a study by Linda Henkel at Fairfield University. 27 undergrads were asked go to a museum and observe 15 items and take a photo of 15 other items. Their memory recall on the objects they only observed was much more precise. Henkel calls this “directed forgetting”, where we tell our brain that it doesn’t need to remember something we have taken a photo of. I went to the National Gallery in Washington DC last year purely to see an Andrew Wyeth exhibit. The exhibit was the only place where I was not permitted to take pictures. I have to say that I took my time and observed. Every gossamer wisp of a curtain blowing in the open window. It’s etched in my brain. Observe. andrew-wyeth

4. Focus. In some of Henkel’s studies, if the photographer focused in on the details, they were more likely to remember the details. I went on a trip Brazil when I was in my mid-twenties, I remember videotaping a big black tarantula spider crawling on the side of the road. I recently saw the video again. It’s precisely as I remember. So when you take a photo, zoom in on the gray heron or the tree branch or the sail boat. Focus on the detail.

5. Present. It’s not that you shouldn’t be taking photos but that you need to be present regardless. Photos are just push pins in your brain. They work more effectively if you stand back and take in the experience. Breath in the salt air, listen to the sounds of the breaking waves, touch the tree, smell the fresh baked bread and taste the crème brulee donut. Be there. Right now. Pause. Then, if you have to pin it to your brain for future use, take a picture. But first and foremost; be there, be present.

6. Organize. When you have a catalog of photos, make sure you organize them. In order to relive the experience, you will want to go back and look at the photos. If they are in a box dated 1970-2010, you have a problem. They are jumbled mess. So put them in folders by date or by topic or by person. If you keep them in a jumbled mess, you are not likely to sit back and review them. My grandfather was an avid photographer and he painstakingly (way before iPhones) put his photos in albums in chronological order, with dates and each person labeled. What a treasure trove. Put your photos in some kind of organization so that you and your loved ones can go back and reminisce. Organize your treasures.

I have to say that I went back to my phone after reading the article and deleted any picture that wasn’t of a person. I have also tried to take pictures on a more judicious basis. But the most important thing is that I am in the moment and less about documenting it. It’s an amazing place to be.

6 Ways to Squelch the Micro-Manager Within. Tyrant Repellent.

A micro-managing puppet master, have you ever worked for one?  It’s a nightmare.  You will never be right.  You will rarely be listened to.  The nit picking will be never ending.  You start to wonder if you should get permission to go to the bathroom.  My very first job out of college was for a catering firm run by a micro-managing control freakish Tyrant.  The angle of the bread was never quite right, the food portion incorrect, the manner in which we sent orders out was inefficient and any decision I made (did I mention I was the manager?) was misguided. All according to the Tyrant.  I left the job after 18 months.  I was new to the workforce but I was stressed out beyond repair of cigarettes and alcohol.

I’ve seen many micro-managers since leaving that job, but I’m happy to say, I’ve never worked for another Tyrant.  I think I must have radar to spot them when interviewing for a new opportunity.  I’ll speak my mind too freely during the interview and somehow I don’t get a call back.  Hmmm…“she’s too independent,” “thinks for herself too much,”  “that will never do.”

What about looking in the mirror?  Are there places and circumstances in your life where you are a bit of a Tyrant?  Been a helicopter parent?  A controlling friend?  A meddling daughter?  I think there are parts to everyone’s life where we just can’t let go.  My husband micromanages Christmas morning, deliberating who gets what present and when. But hey, it’s once a year.  He can be the elf if he wants.

If you want to control the Tyrant within? Here are some suggestions:

1. Listen.  “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply” – Stephen Covey.  I might add, “They listen with the intent to be right.” This has Tyrant written all over it.  There was a Tyrant colleague of mine who “asked” for guidance and then did the complete opposite.  He wasn’t listening.  He was paying me lip service.  The first step to earning respect is listening to understand.

2. Accountability.   In Liz Wiseman’s book  Multipliers, she suggests that the manager own 49% of the decision and that the direct report own 51%.  This is a beautiful balance.  This doesn’t take the person who delegated out of the picture but the accountability rests, by the slightest margin, on the direct report.  It’s empowering.  This is your project but your manager is going to be there to fully support you.

3. Challenge. This is frequently described as a stretch goal. This is asking someone to go beyond their normal limitations, to stretch or challenge themselves.  I was just talking to a friend yesterday about a race that is coming up.  There is a half marathon, a 10k, and a 5k.  I was vacillating between the 5k and the 10k.  He challenged me.  “You can do the 10k, Cathy! You’ll be ready in four weeks.”  His confidence inspired me to sign up for the longer distance.  Challenge those around you.

4. Present. As in, be present.  Let go of past and future.  If you are thinking about all your failures (i.e. past relationships, weight gain, enemies) and how this isn’t going to work, you are not present.   If you are calculating what your spouse is going to do the minute he gets home (i.e. dump the garbage, mow the lawn), you are not present. Marching to your own agenda and maintaining your image is not going to inspire those around you.  Tyrant’s live in Paranoia-ville.  Stay clear.

5. Finger pointing. Fall on the sword.  It may not be your fault that the dog got sick on the carpet, just clean it up and move on.  Your assistant messed up the report? My instructions must have been incomplete.  I’ll do better the next time, and so will she.  Maybe the process needs to be tweaked.  This is not the time to call anyone on the carpet.  Casting blame only makes you build walls to your kingdom and breeds distrust.

6. Invest.  It takes time, money and resources to build up those around you.  There are countless avenues to empower the people in your life. A summer camp session for your kid.  Web course for your partner.  An excel class for your assistant.  Encourage and invest in those around to pursue their passion.  They will remember you for your support.  They’ll have your back as well.

So here is your Tyrant repellent.  Try out one or two and see if you don’t reap the rewards.  Be a better leader regardless of your job title.

What do you do to lead others more effectively?

Tyrant Repellent

Have you ever worked for one?  It’s a nightmare.  You will never be right.  You will rarely be listened to.  The nit picking will be never ending.  You start to wonder if you should get permission to go to the bathroom.  My very first job out of college was for a catering firm run by a micromanaging control freakish Tyrant.  The angle of the bread was never quite right, the food portion incorrect, the manner in which we sent orders out was inefficient and any decision I made (did I mention I was the manager?) was misguided. All according to the Tyrant.  I left the job after 18 months.  I was new to the workforce but I was stressed out beyond repair of cigarettes and alcohol.

I’ve seen many micromanagers since leaving that job, but I’m happy to say, I’ve never worked for another Tyrant.  I think I must have radar to spot them when interviewing for a new opportunity.  I’ll speak my mind too freely during the interview and somehow I don’t get a call back.  Hmmm…“she’s too independent,” “thinks for herself too much,”  “that will never do.”

What about looking in the mirror?  Are there places and circumstances in your life where you are a bit of a Tyrant?  Been a helicopter parent?  A controlling friend?  A meddling daughter?  I think there are parts to everyone’s life where we just can’t let go.  My husband micromanages Christmas morning, deliberating who gets what present and when. But hey, it’s once a year.  He can be the elf if he wants.

If you want to control the Tyrant within? Here are some suggestions:

1. Listen.  “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply” – Stephen Covey.  I might add, “They listen with the intent to be right.” This has Tyrant written all over it.  There was a Tyrant colleague of mine who “asked” for guidance and then did the complete opposite.  He wasn’t listening.  He was paying me lip service.  The first step to earning respect is listening to understand.

2. Accountability.   In Liz Wiseman’s book  Multipliers, she suggests that the manager own 49% of the decision and that the direct report own 51%.  This is a beautiful balance.  This doesn’t take the person who delegated out of the picture but the accountability rests, by the slightest margin, on the direct report.  It’s empowering.  This is your project but your manager is going to be there to fully support you.

3. Challenge. This is frequently described as a stretch goal. This is asking someone to go beyond their normal limitations, to stretch or challenge themselves.  I was just talking to a friend yesterday about a race that is coming up.  There is a half marathon, a 10k, and a 5k.  I was vacillating between the 5k and the 10k.  He challenged me.  “You can do the 10k, Cathy! You’ll be ready in four weeks.”  His confidence inspired me to sign up for the longer distance.  Challenge those around you.

4. Present. As in, be present.  Let go of past and future.  If you are thinking about all your failures (i.e. past relationships, weight gain, enemies) and how this isn’t going to work, you are not present.   If you are calculating what your spouse is going to do the minute he gets home (i.e. dump the garbage, mow the lawn), you are not present. Marching to your own agenda and maintaining your image is not going to inspire those around you.  Tyrant’s live in Paranoia-ville.  Stay clear.

5. Finger pointing. Fall on the sword.  It may not be your fault that the dog got sick on the carpet, just clean it up and move on.  Your assistant messed up the report? My instructions must have been incomplete.  I’ll do better the next time, and so will she.  Maybe the process needs to be tweaked.  This is not the time to call anyone on the carpet.  Casting blame only makes you build walls to your kingdom and breeds distrust.

6. Invest.  It takes time, money and resources to build up those around you.  There are countless avenues to empower the people in your life. A summer camp session for your kid.  Web course for your partner.  An excel class for your assistant.  Encourage and invest in those around to pursue their passion.  They will remember you for your support.  They’ll have your back as well.

So here is your Tyrant repellent.  Try out one or two and see if you don’t reap the rewards.  Be a better leader regardless of your job title.

What do you do to lead others more effectively?