Ninety-Three Years and Counting

My father is ninety-three years old and counting.  This is an amazing feat considering he has had diabetes for over 60 years and survived both the Merchant Marines in WWII and Korea. My boyfriend, Roy, my son, Benson and my daughter, Natalie had a reunion of sorts with my parents, my brother, Rick and his girlfriend, Sarina in Albuquerque New Mexico in February.  It was a great opportunity to reminisce, reconnect and compare various iterations of sopapillas.

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My mother, daughter and father

This was Roy’s first time meeting my parents and it’s always enlightening to see other’s perceptions of folks that I have know all my life.   It’s also fun to reflect on what comes up in the way of stories and song when generations come together.

Here are my observations:

The Adventure

What an appropriate name for the sail boat my parents met on some sixty plus years ago.  It had been many year’s since I had heard the telling of it as only my mother can.  My father was crew on a tall ship called the Adventure.  My mother had just graduated from college and was taking a cruise on the boat as a post-graduation vacation.  She saw my father talking to a woman with a wedding ring on and, incorrectly, assumed that he was married.  A man on shore had asked her on a date and she was on deck drying her hair in preparation for the date.  My father pushed her overboard. When my mother climbed out of the water she asked the captain why that man had pushed her and he said “I guess he’s interested.” The rest is history.

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My mother and father on The Adventure

Let the adventure begin. My father always looks quite unrepentant in the telling of the story.  Sort of like, “Well, I pushed her and now look at all that I have” as he admires his beloved wife, children and grandchildren. Thank goodness he pushed her.

The Lecturer

My father spent most of his career as a middle school history teacher.  I have always admired him for teaching the least glamorous topic to the most incorrigible group of students (namely 8th graders).  My father has always been a lecturer.  You can imagine that if you taught 7 classes a day on the same topic, that everything from Gettysburg to the Kensington Stone is on auto-play.  My dad has many life adventures on auto-play.  His trip to Korea and visiting a village off the grid.  His guiding 10 teenagers on a canoe trip in aluminum boats in northern Quebec during a lightening storm. Him surviving a hurricane on the schooner “Adventure” where in the captain told him to lash himself to the mast.  My siblings, my mom and my kids have all heard these stories many times.  This past trip made me pay attention to the facts.  I want to get it right.  While I was a teenager, I would roll my eyes at what I dubbed “lecture 223”, I want every word.  Every fact.  Who knows when or if I will hear this lecture again?

The Stoic

Part of what prompted the cross-country trip were some recent set backs to my dad’s health.  As I write this my dad is back in the hospital trying to get his medications dialed in.  I’m thankful that my brother, Rick, is a retired nurse and my mother, a retired medical technologist.  I don’t understand most of what is going on but I do know that my dad has always been a stoic.  Whether is was a triple bypass or pace maker, he’s always taken everything as it comes.  I’ve never seen him panic or worry.  Even as he sat in his recliner surrounded by loved ones, with a new scooter and oxygen tank, he said “I don’t feel any pain.” Did I mention he’s had kidney stones for over 5 years?  He was still looking forward to his next move with my Mom to Washington State. I have always admired my father’s patience but I think what I really admire is his ability to not get caught up in a cycle of worry and rumination.  My stomach dropped when my brother texted this morning that Dad was back in the hospital but I know that he is probably sharing a lecture on Napoleon or his trip to Russia with some unsuspecting nurse.  If he’s not worried, why should I be?

The Ballast

Every family has a certain homeostasis.  There is a balance that keeps the whole thing moving forward regardless of the current and wind.  I feel like my dad has been the ballast of the whole Noice family boat.  He rarely gets angry. Nothing seems to exasperate him. I can still remember my seventy-year-old father carrying my two-year-old son and a tricycle with nary a frown.  I see him now surrounded by new contraptions like an oxygen meter and he is unfazed.  He’s just glad to be here.  He is in constant comparison to other residents who have it far worse than he and he is thankful. His mantra is “I am so fortunate.” He’s writing his fifth volume (FIFTH) of his science fiction novel. He hopes someone reads it someday.  This is not a man who is down for the count.  He’s planning his next adventure for his main character, Lors, for heaven’s sake Eventually, my father will be gone but in the meantime he is the ballast.

There was a magical point in the trip to Albuquerque when my parents broke into song.  It was an old sea shanty.  My parents sang in unison and with strong voice, I was able to record it for prosperity.  I was struck by the strength and clarity as they both sang and helped each other with the words. It’s been decades since I heard them sing.  A little piece of history from their Adventure.  I was happy to experience it again and that I’ve been part of the Adventure.

You Are Enough

Have you been waiting to hear those words since say…kindergarten? I have. I generally have stayed uber-focused on my penmanship (horrible), my height (too tall) and my value as a human being (a work-in-progress). This happens to the distraction from my more valuable traits like writing, coaching and being present. I am more worried about the illusive atta-boy (-girl) from my sixth-grade math teacher or my parents finally being happy with the career I have chosen.

Unfortunately, if you go looking for someone to say: “Cathy, you are good enough,” you will be waiting a long time. Your value is not determined by those outside of yourself. It’s an inside job. It’s between your ears. You need to decide you are good enough. No one is going to do it for you. Decide today. You are worthy. You are good enough. Go ahead. I’ll wait right here.

These might be the reasons holding you back from being enough:

The yardstick of perfection. Anne Lamott wrote brilliantly in Bird by Bird, “Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life… I think perfectionism is based on the obsessive belief that if you run carefully enough, hitting each stepping-stone just right, you won’t have to die. The truth is that you will die anyway and that a lot of people who aren’t even looking at their feet are going to do a whole lot better than you and have a lot more fun while they’re doing it.” It’s OK if my handwriting isn’t that legible. It’s OK if I am taller than the rest. It’s OK if I have honestly wasted half a Saturday getting over vertigo and not writing. I just spent part of the morning criticizing myself for not going to the gym first thing or writing a post. Really? Like the exercise and blog gods are sitting around judging me for recovering from half a day spent getting to the bottom of my vertigo? So what? As Lamott says, you will die anyway. Spending time trying to be perfect is empty and completely unrewarding. You are good enough right now.

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A gold medal won’t change a thing. Lamott famously quotes a 400 pound has-been coach, “If you’re not enough before the gold medal, you won’t be enough with it.” Interesting. If you are not enough before you lose 30 pounds, you won’t be enough after. If you are not enough before the big promotion, you won’t be after. If you are not enough before the divorce, you won’t be after. Worthiness is not a line in the sand. It’s not a point in time. It’s not after the big achievement or disappointment. You are worthy right now. And now. And now. Sit in that. Let it sink in. A gold medal will not make a difference.

You are uniquely you. The mold is busted and there is only one of you and your individual view on life. As Dr. Seuss famously said, “Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.” Even you and your identical twin would have different shortcuts on your desktop. One of you was picked last or first on the soccer team. It has made all the difference. You now fight for the downtrodden or represent soccer player’s rights. Neither is better or worse. Just unique. Be you. Own it. Embody it. Be the unique you that you are.

Comparison is futile. Lamott said, “Never compare your insides to everyone else’s outsides.” You have no idea what your neighbor is going through or your coworker or your dog for that matter. You may be jealous of that new car but don’t realize they had to take over payments for their daughter. Your coworker is battling stage 4 colon cancer. Your dog has been barking at that neighbor dog for the last ten years and has yet to get the last word. We really have no idea what is going on for someone else and comparing it to your current situation is a recipe for disaster. Comparing does not make you feel worthy or enough. So stop comparing.

What other people think of me is none of my business. This is a Wayne Dyer quote that stops me cold. You have absolutely no control over what other people think of you. Let it go. I’m not saying it’s easy. It’s not. We’ve spent so much time on worrying about what others think. I remember having 11 different pairs of colored corduroy Levis in high school. It did not increase the number of friends I had. AND I was probably the only one who noticed. If you cannot move the needle on it, don’t bother worrying about it. Besides, you are perfectly good enough right now.

I was the last pick a lot in elementary school. My mother was upset with how I held a pencil in my hand. I didn’t have a ton of friends in high school. It’s OK. Let the past go and move on. It has no impact on my worthiness right now. Let go of the judgments from the past and be enough. You are good enough. And so am I.

Making a Fresh Start

I recently read Daniel Pink’s book, When: The Scientific Secrets of Perfect Timing, and it had lots of useful information about timing. Interestingly, a fresh start can occur more often than just on New Year’s Day. So, for all of you who missed setting or initiating your New Year’s Resolution, there is still hope. There is a whole, brand new fresh start. In fact, by Pink’s count, there are 86 days available for a fresh start. Well, that is, about 1 in 4 days, so that means you can get a fresh start right around the corner, if not today.

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His theory is that there are eighty-six days that are especially effective for making a fresh start:

  • The first day of the month (twelve)
  • Mondays (fifty-two)
  • The first day of spring, summer, fall, and winter (four)
  • Your country’s Independence Day or the equivalent (one)
  • The day of an important religious holiday—for example, Easter, Rosh Hashanah, Eid al-Fitr (one)
  • The first day of school or the first day of a semester (two)
  • The first day back from vacation (two)
  • The anniversary of your wedding, first date, or divorce (three)
  • The anniversary of the day you started your job, the day you became a citizen, the day you adopted your dog or cat, the day you graduated from school or university (four)
  • The day you finish this book (one)

It’s ironic, but some of my fresh starts were not on Mondays, not at the beginning of the month, and not around a holiday. The most significant for me was getting sober. It was a Saturday, four days after July 4th. But I made that fresh start stick. I can’t remember the day I gave up animal products, but I do remember the last time I had meat was at the DFW airport, and I didn’t end up finishing some sausage links on my breakfast plate. That was the last of my meat eating. It wasn’t a Monday or on an important anniversary.

The thing is that fresh starts can start right now. If you want to give up sugar, alcohol, chicken, or smoking, throw all that mess out right now. Go ahead. I’ll wait right here. It’s amazing how fast you can get rid of whatever is tempting you. I was kind of surprised how easy it can be if you can let go of the guilt tied to whatever is in the garbage can and the waste of money it has been. I’m pretty sure I threw out 7 bottles of wine when I embraced sobriety. I didn’t give it to a good home. I threw it in the garbage can. I can sort of visualize that I am not a garbage can. Why do I think that chocolate cake should go into my stomach instead of the garbage can? Yes, please donate what you want to give up if it’s feasible. If it’s not, then throw it out.

So, I decided to look up famous birthdays on July 8th: John D. Rockefeller and Kevin Bacon. Now I know that I got sober on their birthday. It’s not why I chose that date, but it’s auspicious none-the-less. It might work to go backwards to make your fresh start more memorable.

The key to it all is to get started. Pick what you want: whether it be exercising, napping (highly recommended by Pink), writing, playing the guitar, dancing, singing, walking the dog, or saving money. If you need more ideas, check out my 102 Itzy Bitzy Habits. What do you need a start?

Return to Yosemite

I’ve been to Yosemite National Park several times in my life. The first trip was on an eight-week cross-country trailer trip with my family when I was eight years old. I remember Yosemite being a magical place. There was even a free bus that would take my eight-year-old self anywhere in the valley. And, of course, there was listening to story time around a big campfire. I remember the tall waterfalls and the stories of folks falling to their death for a photo op. These are the faded memory remnants some half century later.

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Fast forward to the holiday season and to my last full day in Northern California. Roy and I had a fantastic Christmas holiday at my oldest brother’s house and both of my children with their significant others were able to attend. We did the whirlwind must-stops of Twin Peaks, Haight-Ashbury, Goat Rock Beach and stood near ancient Redwoods. My kids were both on their way home and, my boyfriend Roy and I had an extra unplanned day. I mapped a drive to Yosemite and it turned out to only be 3 hours away. This was Roy’s first trip to California and I felt like Yosemite was a must-see, if possible. Six-hour round trip on the road through the San Joaquin Valley — let’s get this checked off the list.

Observations on the return to Yosemite:

Traffic

Part of the reason for heading to Yosemite was that we were dropping my daughter, Natalie, and her boyfriend Kevin off at the San Francisco Airport at 6 AM. If we were going to be on the road at 6 in the morning, why not head out? Being on the road during a holiday week (between Christmas and New Year’s) made for easy driving, which is not the norm during that particular week in the Bay Area. We didn’t run into any bumper-to-bumper traffic until our return over the Pacheco Pass. So if you are going to run off to Yosemite, make sure you do it on an off-week to avoid the frustration of traffic.

Valley

The only way to Yosemite from the Bay Area is through the San Joaquin Valley. Roy was excited to see some of the richest agricultural land in the world. Our drive did not disappoint. We saw miles and miles and miles of orchards on our way to Yosemite. And miles and miles and miles of crops and cattle on our way back. It’s amazing to see how immense the agricultural machine is. I think it’s what Roy was most impressed with on the trip that day; perhaps the biggest surprise. Especially when you read labels at the grocery store almost daily that say it was produced in California, and there it all is as far as the eye can see. It was impressive seeing it through Roy’s eyes. I was much more impressed by the size of it all. Appreciate what surrounds you.

Remote

The GPS on my phone mapped the trip. At one point, when we were driving through the foothills up to Yosemite, the GPS directed us to take a right onto a very narrow road. When you leave a larger road to take a very narrow road, and you have some 90 miles to go to your destination, it’s a bit scary. There is faith that the GPS knows what it is doing but there is also the fear that technology might fail us. We might get stuck. Roy and I talked about turning around. This was impossible, based on the hairpin turns and width of the road. Yosemite is in the middle of nowhere. We went for 60 or more miles without a gas station or restaurant. It is remote. West Coast remote is a lot more remote than East Coast remote. If you are driving to the Smokey Mountains National Park, you will be able to find a bathroom, French fries and a tank of gas if need be, within 20 miles of the park. Not so at Yosemite. The GPS got us safely to the park, but it was a leap of faith. Don’t expect to stop at a gas station for directions.

Worthwhile

We drove through about thirty miles of road that warned that you needed chains or snow tires. We were in a rental car. Who knew what tires were on that thing. We approached via route 120, which I would not recommend in winter, as the elevation was over 4,000 feet and the road was icy with temperatures reaching 28 degrees outside. After traveling for some 3 hours, we thought about turning around as the elevation continued to climb. I told Roy that it was worth it (so long as we didn’t have an accident). Sure enough, we came around the bend and there was Half Dome standing mightily in the valley floor. It was breathtaking. Don’t have an accident getting there and be safe; the payoff is worthwhile.

Yosemite

I think we spent about an hour or so driving through Yosemite Valley. There were remnants from the fires in August. I realize now that the trees are not what make Yosemite special and unique, as much as all that granite. El Capitan stands regally in the center of the valley. It is immense. Pictures do not do it justice. The waterfalls are beautiful, regardless of the time of the year. In fact, the valley is timeless, regardless of fire, government shut down, or drought. Yes, it is commercialized to some degree, despite its remoteness, but it’s an inconsequential part of the experience. It’s rather nice to have good food available at restaurants or a decent hotel room after a day of hiking. After all, you can pull off to the side of the road anywhere and there you are in the heart of the valley that was carved out by glaciers over 87 million years before. Every vista is jaw-dropping. It truly is a transformative experience.

Getting outside is restorative. Heading to parts unknown by a path less traveled is life affirming. The journey to Yosemite was as transformative as the park itself. Get outside, take the unknown route, and lean into your fear. You might be surprised and, perhaps, even changed.

Taking Stock

According to Merriam-Webster: “Definition of take stock: to carefully think about something in order to make a decision about what to do next. We need to take stock and formulate a plan.” A very close friend, Angie, was in a serious car accident this week. One minute she was on her hour-long commute to work and the next she was pinned in her car waiting to be cut out. Fast forward 48 hours and she’s had surgery on her knee cap and is thankful she didn’t lose her leg. Or her life. This has caused me to pause and take stock.

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This all happened on a Monday morning. 99% of the world continued with business as usual. My life, for the most part, continued as usual. I started to extrapolate forward on behalf of my friend. Where was her master bedroom, first floor or second floor? Can you drive a car without the use of a right leg? Will she ever want to return to her job and her hour-long commute? How will this affect her in the long term? What would I do if I was in her shoes? There are no correct answers. There are only a lot of questions.

This is what I have taken stock of:

Can do

I have an iWatch that tracks my steps. Ever since I completed my short section hike on the Appalachian Trail (15 miles), I haven’t been walking that much. I recently found out I have a torn meniscus in my left knee and I have been apprehensive about injuring it more. But in the last week? Post-accident? I have tripled my steps. It prompted me to look at what I can do. I have two working legs and who knows if and when that might be taken away from me. I have a strength workout that my boyfriend designed for me that involves lunges, air squats, planks, and pushups. Yep. I can do that as well. I almost feel like I am doing the workouts for Angie. I’ve taken stock in what I can do.

Assessment

I have a small step between my sunroom and my kitchen. There are three steps up to my front door. I don’t think I could get a wheelchair into my bathroom. Closet doors open into a narrow hallway. There is no easy path from my driveway to my front door. I never noticed these things before. What if I was suddenly in a wheelchair and unable to go up small steps? What would I do in the interim until ramps could be built? I’m sure these are things that an ergonomics expert or physical therapist sees without a second thought. It’s been all I see since Monday. I’ve taken stock of close surroundings and in what’s available.

Uncertainty

I am writing this on a Saturday, just five days after the accident. Angie has at least three surgeries in her future and who knows what else. I’m sure on Monday morning, as she prepared to head to work, she had no idea that her life would be so full of uncertainty only a few short hours later. I have a new appreciation that everything is uncertain for us all. You may think you are going to take that business trip or buy that car or scratch your dog when you get home. But we just don’t know. Nothing is guaranteed. Sure, most of it will happen and unfold as expected, but life is uncertain. I’ve taken stock in the uncertainty of it all.

Forgiveness

The man who crossed the center line and hit Angie head-on is on the same hospital floor as Angie. His injuries are worse. It’s difficult for me to be sympathetic to his situation. I immediately decided that he was drunk, texting or exhibiting road rage as he plowed into my friend’s car. Not Angie. There were many of us who decided he was not worth our sympathy in the midst of Angie suffering. Not Angie. In an email she wrote, she asked for all us to pray for the other driver. This is the Angie I know. She has the spirituality and forgiveness to be worried about the other driver. It makes me take stock in who I need to forgive, as well as what I no longer need to hold onto.

Love

Angie has always been a kind and generous person. It didn’t take an accident to make her that way. In the email where she asked for everyone to pray for the other driver, she said, “I love each and every one of you.” It’s such a powerful statement. How often do I tell the people I love that I do love them? There is connection in acknowledging love. I don’t say it enough to enough people in my life. It seems to cure all ills and set things right. Regardless of where Angie is in six months, she will have love. I’ve taken stock in love.

Angie’s husband sent me a picture of the car post-accident. She’s lucky to be alive. I have taken stock in the reality that we are all lucky to be alive. Make the most of it. What do you need to take stock in?

 

Saying Yes

I recently finished Michael Bungay Stanier’s The Coaching Habit. He presented a great question that I have been pondering over the last few weeks. Bungay Stanier wrote, “Let’s be clear: What exactly are you saying yes to?” The converse of that is: “What are you saying no to?” I have been weighing out committing to some type of self-development program since the start of the year. I am weighing out what will have to change or what I will have to say “no” to in order to fit a new program into my life. Because saying yes will be saying no to something else. That or the yes will end up being something to bail out on two weeks into the program, since I am unwilling to say no to what is already in my life.

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When I say yes, I want it to be a firm, clear yes. Not a yes and then I never show up for the monthly meeting or do the homework or give only partial effort. It’s a hell yes or a hell no. I’m all in or all out.

This is what to consider when saying yes:

Be very clear

For me, being very clear is understanding the full ramifications of saying yes. How much time out of my day, week, or month will be committed if I say yes? Where will I fit this into my schedule? If I am on the road traveling, can I still remain committed? Is my physical presence needed or could this be possible virtually? Do I need to show up at meetings at a specific time or can I complete something at 1 AM on my smartphone? What is the investment in money, time and, most importantly, energy? This takes digging unless you’ve committed to something easy like buying cupcakes for the soccer game or offering to collect your neighbor’s mail. Unless it’s straight forward, make sure that you are clear on what you are saying yes to.

Have defined boundaries

We all have people (or animals) in our lives that test our boundaries. The person who is consistently late, the dog who scratches at the bedroom door at 4 in the morning or the co-worker who never turns the project in as prescribed. They are all just testing your boundaries. Be clear that you will be leaving at 8 AM, no exceptions. Don’t open the door for your dog unless there is thunder or fireworks. Only accept the project in PowerPoint and never in Excel. When you have defined boundaries, it makes saying yes (and no) a lot easier.

Know your priorities

For me personally, this has changed dramatically over the last two years. I am no longer married, I no longer drink and I eat a plant-based diet. What I said yes to two years ago wouldn’t work now. I traveled to Peru with a friend instead of a husband. My rotary club’s biggest fund raiser is a beer festival, so I opted out. I need to find new uses for my sous vide and outdoor grill. As I weigh out these two self-development programs, one is focused on writing and the other is about aligning with abundance. Is writing my focus or aligning with abundance? I think that aligning with abundance will help fund the writing down the road. My priority is abundance.

Nope. You cannot do it all.

I feel like I coach a lot more women who suffer from this than men. I coach some folks with StrengthsFinder and I find that if someone has Responsibility (take psychological ownership of what they say they will do) in their top 5 strengths, they have a REAL hard time saying no. Or letting go. Heck, I don’t have Responsibility in my top 10 strengths, but I had a real hard time letting go that I was not sending Christmas Cards out this year (so as not to feel like I overlooked my friends when they didn’t get one). Acknowledging that you can’t do it all can be powerful. Instead of planning and worrying and losing sleep on what you can’t possibly accomplish, let go and don’t say yes. If you say yes, make sure it doesn’t tip the scale towards overwhelm.

Pleasing others

I love the Wayne Dwyer quote: “What other people think of me is none of my business.” So, don’t say yes purely in the hope of impressing others. I thought about this with my Christmas cards this year. I didn’t have a recent family photo, I didn’t have much to report, and I feel like sending cards has been diminishing over the last few years. I felt the need to send cards was about pleasing others. I believe it’s a nice gesture and I appreciate the cards sent to me, but with a busy travel schedule around the holidays, it was a point that overwhelmed me rather than filled me with holiday warmth. I found other ways to share holiday warmth and stopped worrying about pleasing others. Say yes for yourself.

Everything is a trade-off. If I say yes to one thing, it means no to something else. It also works in reverse; if I say no to something, it means yes to something else. It’s all an act of discernment and being choosy about what you engage with. What are you saying no to that really should be a yes?

The World Is Better, But You Don’t Think So

I’ve been writing this blog for eight years (yeah!) and there have been times when I have used a metaphor that seems completely insensitive. I write these pieces sometimes weeks in advance and I never know what even might happen between writing the piece and its actual publication. For example, I’ve written about a course correction of an airplane only to realize that an airplane had recently gone missing. Find a new metaphor. It can feel like the world is in constant disarray and we are on a collision course with the sun.

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My oldest brother Dave mentioned to me last year that we were safer in the world than a century ago. My immediate thought was, No way, we have to be less safe. There were airport bombings and 9/11 in recent memory. There were mass shootings and terrorists. This thought prompted me to read Hans Rosling’s Factfulness this past month. It’s a well written book that helps you reframe the way you look at the world. He looks at poverty, health, safety and economic progress and the news is good. The problem is, as Rosling points out, most of us believe we are worse off.

Here are the misconceptions most of us believe:

Negativity bias

Negative information holds more weight with us. When my boyfriend asks about my day, I think back to my daughter injuring her back, my dad being in the hospital, or not taking a walk as promised. Folks at work refer to coworkers by the name “Nancy”, as in Negative Nancy. I end up dwelling on what went wrong instead of what went right; the bumps in the road. I had ancestors that were good at seeing danger like a saber tooth tiger, so therefore, I am here. We are all here because our ancestors were good at paying attention to the negative. In today’s day and age, this makes us come off as Nancys. It keeps us focused on what is going wrong instead of what is going right. We decide that every trend line is going down instead of up. The negativity bias skews the way we see the world.

The gap instinct

I think of my parents telling me to eat all the food on my plate because there are people starving in Albania. I was brought up thinking there was a huge gap. Seeing the favelas in Rio de Janeiro and Caracas some thirty plus years ago, helped keep that gap wide open in my mind. As Rosling wrote, “Human beings have a strong dramatic instinct toward binary thinking, a basic urge to divide things into two distinct groups, with nothing but an empty gap in between. We love to dichotomize. Good versus bad. Heroes versus villains. My country versus the rest. Dividing the world into two distinct sides is simple and intuitive, and also dramatic because it implies conflict, and we do it without thinking, all the time.” In reality, we are all on a continuum. There is no gap. We are not divided. It’s not us versus them.

If it bleeds, it leads

The media needs to sell news. It needs you and me to click on a link. It needs to get our attention. They do that through headlines that focuse on the unique, the frightening, and the outliers. As Rosling wrote, “Here’s the paradox: the image of a dangerous world has never been broadcast more effectively than it is now, while the world has never been less violent and more safe.” The media is myopic in that it focuses on the sensational. Rosling espoused, “Forming your worldview by relying on the media would be like forming your view about me by looking only at a picture of my foot.” This is, in large part, why I try and stay away from news. Its focus is on just a small part of what is really going on day-to-day. So much so, that we aren’t even aware that things are getting better.

Outdated information

Similar to the starving Albanians from my childhood, we never update our data files. I still thought that extreme poverty was continuing to grow. As Rosling wrote, “How much has your world changed? A lot? A little? Well, this is how much the world has changed: just 20 years ago, 29 percent of the world population lived in extreme poverty. Now that number is 9 percent.” So, while I was working, rearing my children and focusing on my tiny corner of the world, extreme poverty has dramatically improved. I didn’t know that. I need to update my database. Less of the world is living off one dollar a day. The textbook from my 8th grade World History class is way out of date. Most of us are basing our thinking on outdated information.

Single perspective

Rosling wrote, “Factfulness is … recognizing that a single perspective can limit your imagination, and remembering that it is better to look at problems from many angles to get a more accurate understanding and find practical solutions. To control the single perspective instinct, get a toolbox, not a hammer. Test your ideas. Don’t only collect examples that show how excellent your favorite ideas are. Have people who disagree with you test your ideas and find their weaknesses.” Rosling’s antidote is to travel. I agree. Most of my travel has been to South America but it’s still another perspective. I can remember traveling to Santa Marta, Colombia and staying in a cinderblock house without running water or windows. But the people that lived there were happy and healthy. Seeing other perspectives creates a quilt of experience to reframe your world view. As Max Rosen of Oxford University wrote, “We live in a much more peaceful and inclusive world than our ancestors of the past.” He says, “The news is very much focused on singular events. All of these trends that I’m looking at are slow changes that happen over decades, or sometimes even centuries. These developments never have a ‘now’ moment that would make them interesting for news that is following current events.” Take that in. We are on the upward trend and the world is better off than one hundred years ago. Isn’t that great? Find information that challenges your instincts or take a look at this link my friend Susannah sent to back this up. What is skewing your perspective?

5 Reasons to Keep the Status Quo

Status quo is Latin for “existing state.”

When my marriage came to a screeching halt over a year ago, I wanted to escape. I looked at flights to Copenhagen, I checked out apartment rentals in Durham, and I even looked into qualifications to teach English in South America. I was grasping at anything that would get me out of my current state, figuratively and literally. I also looked locally for other avenues to pursue new interests. Luckily, I stayed put. I didn’t want the status quo. I didn’t think I needed the status quo. But looking back, it was the best thing I could have done.

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There is a rule of thumb that you shouldn’t make a major life decision such as moving for one year after a loss like a divorce or a death. I wasn’t thinking about this rule of thumb when I stayed put. I stayed put due to financial reasons. Initially, I wasn’t happy about that. I wanted to escape. I wanted to be on a beach drinking massive amounts of fruity rum drinks with umbrellas in them. I wanted to turn my life upside down and move the hell on. In retrospect, l am happy I didn’t. I’m glad I stuck with the status quo.

Here are five reasons to keep the status quo:

  1. Internal locus of control. I needed to take stock in feeling like I had control over my own well-being. Getting on an airplane or throwing out all my furniture was not going to bring about inner peace. Staying right where I was, in my job, in my house, with my beloved dog, that made me understand the importance of overseeing me. I am sovereign. There is no one else to blame. There is only me. If I had taken off to parts unknown, I would have been blaming the world instead of taking stock of myself.

 

  1. Getting back to homeostasis. As Annie Grace wrote in a recent newsletter, “Homeostasis is defined as the maintenance of relatively stable internal physiological conditions (such as body temperature or the pH of blood) in higher animals under fluctuating environmental conditions; also: the process of maintaining a stable psychological state in the individual under varying psychological pressures or unstable social conditions.” I realized that my homeostasis was vastly (not dramatically) improved when I didn’t drink anymore. I was in a constant state of equilibrium. I didn’t need the fictitious relief of a sip of wine. After several months, I was free from the pull of numbing out the pain. I felt like the ship I was on was stable and that the waves weren’t as high. Homeostasis is your body’s status quo.

 

  1. Tinkering with what works. By staying put and confronting the reality of the separation, I was able to make small adjustments. As Stephanie Vozzo wrote for Fast Company, “Instead of trying to be like someone else, appreciate your own qualities. For example, if you’re an introvert, don’t assume life will be better if you transform into an extrovert.” I made small adjustments. I tried Tai Chi. I tried a Body Pump class. I traveled to Assateague island for a weekend. Some things I liked, some things I didn’t.  But I had my own laboratory of “what makes Cathy happy.” Tinkering with small adjustments are on the fringe of status quo.

 

  1. Decluttering is manageable. When my attic was finally completely (yes, completely) empty, I felt an enormous sense of relief. The thing is, that attic took months to empty, organize, sort and pitch. If I had decided to move to Peru, I might have thrown out something irreplaceable and precious like a book my son wrote for his grandfather or my daughter’s artwork. Being able to take time to selectively declutter could only be accomplished in relative status quo.

 

  1. All you have is you. You can be in Copenhagen, Paris or Lima, but it’s still you under it all. Drastic change or a year of adventure would not have changed the pain that was under it all. As Robert Frost wrote, “The best way out is through.” The best way through for me was in status quo. Keeping my environment the same helped me feel my way through. Escape into something new and unknown would not have helped and likely would have masked it all. At the end of the day, you still have you. It’s still you in there.

 

I’m not recommending that you never engage in adventure again. That you never test the edges of your status quo. I just know that relaxing into what was known, familiar and comfortable over the last 18 months has been rejuvenating and restorative. Do you need to stay in your status quo?

Resolutions Don’t Work

You’ve told yourself a million times you would start going to the gym. But it’s 7 AM and you still haven’t put your running shoes on. You roll over and hit snooze again. You’ve promised to eat a salad for lunch, but you decide that the drive-through at Hardee’s looks a little bit easier. Double cheeseburger it is! You told yourself three years ago that you were going to start writing that book. But you binge watch Modern Family instead. This is the effect of most resolutions on most people. We fail. Over and over and over again.

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There are many reasons why resolutions don’t work. Here they are:

 

  • It’s just too big. Resolving to lose 20 pounds, write a book, or run a marathon is pretty BIG. It’s daunting. It’s overwhelming. It’s so easy to get discouraged and give up before you even start. You can’t eat a 24-oz Porterhouse in one bite. And when you don’t, you give up your resolve and throw in the towel. You’ve got to break it down into itzy bitzy pieces.

 

  • There are a million distractions. As Beverly Flaxington wrote in Psychology Today, “Even the most minor distractions slow you down, wasting your energy and time – consequently adding more stress to your everyday life – and keep you away from things that you really want. Distractions cause you to miss many opportunities in life. They make you feel busy and tired all the time, and frustrated at the lack of progress despite your best efforts.” These distractions are stressing you out and keeping you from achieving your higher goals.

 

  • You don’t write them down. Believe it or not, keeping your new resolution in your head is not that effective. It’s difficult to keep it at the top of your head all day when you don’t have it memorialized somewhere. In addition, you have a world of distractions (see the bullet above) that are constantly taking you off course. As a coach, I write my clients goals down and then they make a copy themselves, or my clients write down their goals as we talk. Writing them down helps embed it in your head.

 

  • You don’t clarify what is at the heart of the resolution. Resolving to lose weight or quit smoking isn’t really the heart of the issue. It’s probably more about feeling energized, having a more positive outlook, or regaining your confidence. What is at the core of this new resolution? Knowing what is at the core will help you see it through when your willpower is waning.

 

So what do you do about it? It’s the New Year and you have a whole new clean slate. I’ve got the solution for you and it’s free.

Try out my 102 Itzy Bitzy Habits. Just click here to receive your free copy.

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Give Up Waiting as a State of Mind

This is part of a longer quote I read from Eckhart Tolle last week. The entire quote was: “Give up waiting as a state of mind. When you catch yourself slipping into waiting, snap out of it. Come into the present moment. Just be and enjoy being.” Quite the thought-provoking quote. I have spent a lot of time waiting. Countless hours, days, weeks, months, years – just waiting. Red lights, grocery store lines, dial-up (old school internet connection), waiting rooms (heck, it even has the waiting built right in); buying the house; for him to graduate; for her to ask; for the promotion; for him to sign; for her to forgive.

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Waiting is painful, exhausting, a waste. To reframe it as Tolle suggests is very interesting. Instead of looking at your watch or calendar, come back to the present moment. Instead of gnashing your teeth, planning a detour, counting up all the wrongs you are suffering, come back to the present. Engage.

Here are some tips giving up waiting:

Value the time

As Elisha Goldstein writes for Mindful, “Most people believe that waiting is a waste of time and it’s best to fill that time with something…anything.What if this is an investment in the present moment? What if this is a time to be with yourself? Instead of striving to move on, past the traffic jam, or off the detour, you could embrace the extra moment with yourself. Instead of taking out time from your personal time bank account, you are making a time deposit. So, if the doctor is delayed, or the cashier has a price check, you suddenly have more time for you! It’s a windfall! Value the time you have gained for yourself.

Don’t default to distraction

Look around at the DMV, doctor’s office or line for the movie theater (I know…old school): everyone is on their phones. There MUST be something out there on the web, social media or my inbox that’s more interesting than this present moment. I’m guilty of this at a red light. I pick up my phone without a thought to see if I have anything in my inbox or some interaction on social media. One more “like” or comment or useless promotional email. It makes time slip away by just skimming without any value. 99.9% of the time. Looking at your phone is absolutely valueless and it excites your brain to expect the email saying you finally hit the Mega Millions lottery. That email won’t come and expectancy of some kind of windfall depletes you. Stay off your phone and from the pull of distraction.

Find the opportunity

As Goldstein writes, “In those moments, instead of grabbing something to fill the space, you recognized it as an opportunity to be okay with just waiting.” I think this is about reframing it as a positive. An opportunity. Found money in your jeans pocket while doing the wash. Savor it. Relax into it. Again, Goldstein prescribes: “You can soften the muscles in your body that have just tensed due to a mini fight/flight/freeze response and just recognize you’re safe.” I’ve caught myself over the last week when I hit that one red light that seems so much longer than the rest. Take a deep breath and slide into the moment of right now. Everything is OK. As Goldstein says, “You’re safe.” In reality, 99.9% of the time, you are safe. Find the opportunity to be aware that you are just fine.

Practice, practice, practice

So the best part about giving up waiting and snapping back into the present is that there are endless ways to practice. As Goldstein wrote:

There are so many opportunities to practice.

  • You can do this while waiting for the bread to toast,
  • waiting for someone to get out of the shower,
  • waiting for a certain report at work,
  • waiting for a screen to load,
  • waiting for your partner to clean the dishes,
  • waiting on hold on the phone, or
  • even while waiting for your newborn to settle down as you’re doing your best as a parent to soothe your baby.

There is a treasure trove of opportunity to practice! I have noticed that, since reading Tolle’s quote, I have practiced this over the last week and just noticing my reaction to waiting has been a good start. The moment I say, “Ugh, I can’t believe there is a line of six cars,” I reframe it. I can catch myself and come back into the present moment. It’s just a practice of self-control.

It’s difficult to control our brain’s negative bias towards catastrophe. I found that awareness alone has helped release the tension of those anxious moments when I feel I am needlessly waiting. The first thing is to notice that you are doing it. How can you reframe waiting?